


I'm Only Human Can't You See

by xocean



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, i dunno, just friends having a conversation, life after death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 17:07:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7766164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xocean/pseuds/xocean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Let me rephrase," she said, "Do you think there's a heaven for me?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Only Human Can't You See

With the wind blowing so refreshingly through her hair, Natasha asked, "Do you think there's a heaven?" 

Steve's reply was a staunch, prompt, "Yes." 

Natasha refrained from rolling her eyes. Despite the multitude of faith-bending fuckery they'd all been through together, Steve managed to keep his faith. She wouldn't judge him for it, but she would laugh. Later. Privately.

"Let me rephrase," she said, "Do you think there's a heaven for  _me_?" 

The atmosphere on the ledge dropped imperceptibly, from the dreamy, beer-fueled conversational tone, to something far more sobering. 

Then James let out a loud, annoyed sigh. "Who's been putting these thoughts in your head?"

Natasha gave him a side-eye for having the audacity to think such thoughts,  _any_ thought could be  _put_ inside her. "I've wondered for a long time. Don't tell me you haven't."

"I can honestly say that for the last decade, I haven't." James returned with a side-eye of her own. She considered it, then acknowledged his point by raising her beer bottle to him. Natasha sometimes forgot about his Winter Soldiering days. It wasn't hard to. James' recovery had been a swift and beautiful thing. Now mollified, James shrugged. "I've never been particularly bothered by it. Don't know, don't care."

"So insightful," Natasha deadpanned.

"You asked." James grinned toothily at her. "And who died and made Stevie the boss of heaven, anyway?" 

"Guys," Steve sighed, evidently bothered that the peaceful mood had been disrupted. 

"Well, between the three of us, I'll say he has the most authority on the matter. Considering I grew up not even knowing the possibility of an omnipotent presence." Natasha's God had been made out of survival. "And I highly doubt you were a constant presence at the altar back in the day." James' hand came dangerously close to flick her elbow, but at the last moment he (wisely) thought better of it. "I mean, assuming I die at all." Natasha shrugged and finished her bottle.

"What?" Steve was leaning forward so he could look at Natasha's face, interested now that the prospect of an untarnished evening was in the trash. "What do you mean?" 

Natasha wondered why he was clueless. "The serum." 

"The serum." James repeated, "She has the same thing we do. Only, uh, better, right?"

" _Modified_  was the word SHIELD used." Natasha shrugged. "I never bothered to look into it." 

"Better not to know," James agreed grimly, and clinked her empty bottle with his. 

"I assumed it was a slow aging process kinda thing." Steve said, frowning. "Not... being immortal." 

Natasha shuddered. "Don't put that out there," she said, as James rapped the deck, which was made out of wood, three times. "And anyway, I meant if someone manages to kill me in the nearest time. Which I don't foresee as possible," she said to mollify James, who looked a bit more annoyed as he firmly rapped the deck again. 

Steve seemed stuck on the not knowing part. "Don't you wanna know?" 

"No," James and Natasha said together. 

"You know, I've never thought about it." Steve said thoughtfully, "I bet Bruce can rack some science things up and figure out whats going on in here." He looked down at himself. 

"Thanks a lot," James said sourly to Natasha. 

She sniffed. "I make no decisions."

"You just planted the seed." He reached back and handed another beer to her.

"It'll be good to know." Steve said. "You can join me." 

Natasha ignored the glare James was directing her way. "I'll pass." 

Steve nodded, but he looked like he was saving his persuasion for another day, which both irritated and amused Natasha. Her answer was going to be a firm no either way, but it would be fun to watch him build his arguments. She supposed he would go by the _knowing your strengths_ route, which would be on par with the slightly more emotional  _how much more time do we have left together_  point. 

"James?" 

"Sure, pal." James said with just a touch of resignation. 

"Keep it away from me," Natasha warned them. "I've no desire to find out my expiry date."

"But you wanna know what comes after," James needled her. "So philosophical."

She didn't take the bait, opting to simply dig her elbow into his ribcage. "Why not?" Natasha asked, as James barely flinched at her poke. "I've done a lot of shit. Maybe I wanna know if I should be atoning." 

"For heaven?"

"For heaven." She affirmed, taking a sip, and Natasha can't tell if she's joking anymore. "I've been through some shit this lifetime, I don't want to be stuck being pierced with, iron rods, or something."

"I think," Steve began ominously, "I think that you're definitely going to heaven."

"You're just saying that because you want to comfort her," James dismissed. He received another ribcage poke, this time from Steve, and it left him wincing. 

"I'm not. I believe good people go to heaven and I believe you're a good person." Steve said kindly, "And if you feel like you want to atone - go ahead. Faith shouldn't be a duty. It has to come from your heart." 

"How do you still believe?" Natasha asked, with just a little admiration. "After all we've seen and done - hell, we bust human trafficking rings on a weekly basis."

Steve thought for a moment, then said honestly, "I don't know how to stop believing."

There was a pause, then James let out a low whistle. "We could make good money off of this shit. Get you a preaching deal, put you on iTunes."

Steve rolled his eyes but continued, keeping his gaze on Natasha. "Maybe all of this ends up being bullshit in the end. Maybe the good things we do end up not mattering, whatever. I think the important thing, beyond this and religion and God or whatever - I think the important thing is to be good." He hesitated, then added, "At least we'll have a clean conscience if anything."

There was silence as Steve's words sunk into the air. Suddenly it felt like the wind had slowed down to a gentle, almost caressing breeze. Natasha wondered why'd she even opened this can of worms in the first place, not for Steve or for James, but for the questions that will create themselves in her mind after this. Natasha was undeniably an atheist, and she foresaw herself continuing to be one, because she had seen and done too many things to believe in something pure and just - but she would have questions. That was more irritating than anything else. 

And besides, what did it matter? Natasha didn't know how long she would live, or _how_ she would live. Some twenty years ago Natasha would not have been able to predict the way her life had turned out. Maybe she knew, and she  _had_ decided once she chose the good side, that she was only ever going to do things for good and not the opposite. But could Natasha have imagined living in Stark Tower of all places, busting evil where it actually mattered, and belonging in a team that, for better or for worse, liked each other?

And Natasha has been alive for a while now, but these last few years have been the ones she thought she will really, truly remember. Maybe tomorrow she'll consult with Thor and become Nordic, and cajole him into letting her into Valhalla. That'll make a great running joke for a bit. So in the mean time, Natasha will do what she has always done best - just this time around, she's doing it for the sake of _good_.

"I hate this," James announced after a while of silence, "Next time I'm hanging with Barton."

 


End file.
